A big shift is on the way.

This isn't a warm fuzzy post, rather a bit of a rant. Me to the world, pleading my case for happiness and fulfillment.

October, my beloved birthday month, was a lot. The whole dang past two years were. Big changes, big growth, so many hard days outside of my comfort zone. I find myself getting caught up in the minutia of running my sweet little store when I should be, and want to be, creating. 

A dear friend recently read my natal chart. It blew my mind to gain such insight into my soul. To see my life’s purpose laid out in shapes and colors on paper. Everything I have been feeling recently was confirmed in simple explanations. Neon signs pointing to big change. I am here to create. I haven’t even scratched the surface. Oh and what’s that about self doubt and lack of confidence? Not believing in myself? It’s all right there staring me in the face via the stars and moon. A lifetime of it. The task of arriving at all, and growing towards my destination. My same old story on repeat. If you read my other two blogs, you'll see the similarities.

Being a successful artist means also running a successful business. Ah ha! But the creating of work, for me, has always taken a backseat to the obligations of life. Like making enough money to feed myself and have shelter. Ya know, bills.

Manifesting FERN was the best thing I could have done to provide myself with a bit of financial stability. But the pay off is the time it takes from me. The distractions I allow myself to get caught up in. As great as it is, I’ve been feeling a bit trapped by the production, responsibility, and repetition of it all. I appreciate all I am learning but it takes a lot out of me.

I’m learning to ask for help in all the areas I can. It doesn’t serve me to do the busy work, the day to day things anymore. So as time goes on I’m aiming to let go of the reigns as much as I can afford to, to create the space to free up my being for making the work I am here to make.

We all know having a brick and mortar isn't enough these days. Now we have to put it all online to stay relevant to the world. Because if no one sees what you make or knows about you, it's all for nothing. Every post on social media is hard for me. Every single one. Even after all this time and all these posts, it still makes me feel way too vulnerable. Too seen. What if I type the wrong thing? Is my image good enough? Why is no one paying attention? Look at me don’t look at me. Why don’t I get the same outcome as _______? Comparison is the thief of JOY. It feels like a lot of pressure.

So if you don’t see me posting as much, it’s not because I don’t care, but because caring as much as I have been is just too exhausting. I have a lot to share, but I generally procrastinate drafting emails because it is easier to put stickers on jewelry boxes and inventory my cards. It’s easier to spend hours sourcing sweaters for the store which is really just me escaping the scary feelings that I apparently don’t even know how to feel. Can you relate? 

I am so grateful to be where I am and to have come as far as I have. And fear not, FERN isn’t going anywhere. I love it. But my eyes are open to the possibility of future more-ness. 

I just want to be an artist. I am begging the universe to just let me be an artist. 

Thanks for listening and for your constant support. I feel it. 

-A